For all of the times
by sushirapper
Summary: Ace writes a letter, because his brother isn't here to hear him anymore.


_**TRIGGER WARNINGS for depressive thoughts, self-worth issues, throwing up as a depressive somatoform.** Please be safe reading this._

 _I do not own One Piece._ _All rights belong to Eiichiro Oda-sensei._

 _Inspired by the song I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young. Title taken from the same. Cover picture done by my beloved CrispyIbon! I hope you enjoy!_

 _- **shira**_

* * *

 _Sabo,_

I had a dream last night. I dreamed you and Lu and I were running off to hunt that gigantic bear in the forest, you remember it? The one that almost killed Luffy? It was a good dream.

When I woke up, I ran for the bathroom and threw up.

I hate the bathroom in the Second Division Commander's quarters. There's mirrors everywhere, and I feel sick looking at myself. Guess I shouldn't have drank so much last night, eh? But that ain't it. I'm so fucking disgusting, Bo. I don't know why you two stayed by me so damn long. It was such a good dream, we beat the huge bastard in this one and grilled its meat for dinner. And I got to see you again.

But all I could think when I woke up was _lies lies lies_. All I could think was there's no fucking way either of you meant the things that you said, there's no way you both _really_ wanted a useless piece of trash like me as a brother. All I could think was you both faked it, because I'm an unlovable asshole in the end, right?

I know. Stupid. Like I don't already know that Luffy's absolute shit at lying, even to save his life. Like I don't already know you'd lie to everyone to save your own skin, but never to us. Never to us.

See what I mean? I disgust myself. I already know all this shit, but I can't help thinking up all these stupid things too, and I was never as smart as you but I know some things for sure at the very least. Can't help my thoughts. And I have to see myself every damn day in those goddamn mirrors that I can't bring myself to just trash.

God, I wish you were still here, Bo. I don't know who to talk to. Not Luffy, he'd never understand. Ha! Who am I kidding, he'd understand perfectly. Luffy always knows just what to say, don't you think? With those large eyes and that dumb smile of his, he could always make me feel better. And that's the problem, isn't it?

I don't want to feel better. I don't deserve to be happy. And I am. That's the worst part, I'm so damn happy with the old man and the rest and knowing Luffy is wreaking havoc out there in the world and that he'll make it one day (that's another thing I know for sure, he's our little brother, after all). It ain't the same without you, but I'm happier than I've ever been.

I hate myself for it when nights like this come around.

I promised Luffy we'd live with no regrets, but I guess I'm as much of a liar as you were.

But I'm trying, Bo. I swear I am. But it's been ten years since you died and I know in my head I'm fucked up for thinking this way and that praying for all of this happiness to be a dream isn't something I ought to be doing, devil son or no. It ain't ever gonna be the same as when you were still here, but you drilled that into my head perfectly well long ago, didn't you?

That's why today I'll be wearing a shirt again for the first time in a while. Today, I'm you and Luffy's brother first and _god_ how I hate blue so, so much now, but I'll do it. Then I'll walk out of my room, get on Striker and this letter will be coming with me.

I've been practicing a new move. I think I've gotten it down well enough for later, so I'll be in the air with my flames and I'll be sending this letter off in style. I hope you like fireworks, Bo. Because I may not be able to send this to you anymore, wherever you are, but I sure as hell can hope you'll see it anyway.

Then I'll probably fall into the sea after the show, and Marco will swoop in to save me, and Thatch will make me a cake because I seem down. Pops will laugh, like he always does. And I'll be happy, like you always thought I should be. I owe you that much.

I miss you, brother. Say hi to mom for me up there.

Love,

 _Ace_

 _ **P.S.** _Oh yeah, one last thing. I'm the eldest. Sorry I never told you before. And I've kept my promise about taking care of Luffy, as much as I was able to, so don't you worry about him. That's one promise I know I'll keep till the very end.


End file.
